Supporting one another through it all

Broken people
Supporting one another
Suffering
Pain
It’s too hard for my heart to bear
Having each others backs
At all times
Makes the journey a bit less lonely
A bit more bareable
Weeping for one another
Hearts breaking for one another
We weren’t meant to do life alone
Through the darkness, through the pain
There is a voice
“I see you”
And a helping hand to lift you up
When no one even knew you fell
So you can lift up another in turn
The water is turning dark around us
We grip each other tightly
We’re in this together
Whatever comes our way
Here’s to the fighters
Who keep going
When they feel like there’s no way out.

I see you
And I think your brave
So… so brave
And strong
The most beautiful strength there is
A strength refined by pain
Only making your light shine brighter

Here’s to the ones who struggle
To make it through the day
When getting out of bed feels impossible
But you do it anyway
Pushing through the darkness
And deciding to choose joy
Again and again and again
Persevering with grit
Doing your best
Every day

We weren’t made to do it alone
That’s just a lonely walk to go
We’ll be the light to guide each other
Through every storm and rain
I’ll sit with you in the pain

So I say to everyone here
Don’t walk your journey alone
Find your tribe
Find your people
Who will make you come alive

Together we’ve got this
Together we fight
Through every mountain and valley
Nothing can stop us now

So lend a helping hand
Don’t be afraid to reach out
Don’t hide yourself, don’t hide your pain
Together we’ll make it through the rain

There ain’t nothing we can’t face
When we face it arm in arm
Fighting our battles
And lifting each other up
We’ll make it through
I know we will

Supporting one another
Through it all

Live like a yellow rose

I’m Emma, I’m 23 years old and I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome when I was a preschooler. A lot of people wish that they could have got a diagnosis that early, but for me, it was a huge shame factor. I never felt like I fit into any of the stereotypes of what an “Aspie” is, but then again, I never felt like I fit into the “normal” category either. I was just a lost soul, never really fitting in anywhere. I felt so alone, so isolated. I’m an extremely people orientated person… people are my life. To have a label that says I can’t form proper relationships with others- was absolutely crushing for me. There was no way anyone would accept me if they knew who I really was, I thought. 

The idea that people with Autism can’t maintain proper friendships, that they can’t have a normal life, learn normal life skills or have a job or travel, that they can’t have empathy or ever see things from another person’s perspective is an absolute myth and I stand here as proof of that fact. I am extremely empathetic and feel others emotions and pain deeply. I am also very extroverted. I currently co-lead a community house which means I live in an intentional community with others- eating meals together and doing life together. We host backpackers from all around the world, run events and bring people together in community. Last year fundraised enough money and I travelled to the other end of the world to Europe on my own. I have many deep and beautiful friendships who encourage and celebrate my quirks and empower me to be who I am.

Autism may mean that we may have limitations that make some things harder for us than others. But so do people with chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, or any other limitations people might have. When I support my close friends through these things they have, I don’t see them any less- in fact, understanding helps me to love them even more, in the best way possible. So why do I think that when people find out about me having Aspergers that they would love me any less? We all have things that limit us but that’s why we’re all in this together.

Just like Roses don’t cover up their thorns in order to show their beauty, we don’t have to have shame about our limitations.

I know I’ve spent far too long trying to hide my thorns from the world. But the thing is, autism isn’t just the thorns, it’s the whole rose. There is beauty and there is hard stuff- just like anything. It’s time I stopped living in so much shame for who I am and started living in authenticity. Hiding our stuff from the world doesn’t protect us from rejection, it just makes us lonely… fake and sad. There is beauty in letting the world see who you are- all the thorns, all the beauty… Being open, vulnerable and free. Making mistakes but supporting each other together.

Shout out to all my tribe who empower me to be my crazy self, who support me in my stuff and allow me to support you in yours- you guys are the rarest kind of jewels. Or should I say, roses 💛🙂 💛

#goyellow #differentnotless #autismawareness #livelikeayellowrose #waad2020 #actuallyautistic

Just be

Peace
Refreshment
Abundance
Living in a busy world
Stress
Anxiety
Comsuming my mind
With worry
And fear

It’s all a ballencing act
To see how far we can last
Until we crash
Do, do, do
Without even stopping

Guilty to stop
Or afraid of what might happen
When our mind and body
Finally catches up
Rushing around
Like a headless chicken
How must one do it all?
It’s a weight too heavy to carry

Responsibilities
Never ending agendas
To do lists to our ears
Is this what adulthood is?

Wishing we could go back
To simpler days
When there were less to be responsible for
I remember once craving that responsibility
Oh how naeve I was

Business
Filling up our calenders
Full to the brim

Doing, doing, doing
Serving, serving, serving
But somehow it never feels enough
There’s always more
More, more, more

More to do
People to care for
People to live
Dishes to do
The next thing to serve in
There’s a cost to being so willing
In serving with such joy
Every day
We don’t know when to stop!

Until the joy turns into anxiety
And struggling to do it all
You come to us and says “Martha Martha”.
Come
Find your rest in me.

You fill us up
Because we’ve forgotten to recieve
We’re more than need-fillers
We’re more than doing machines
You tells us to come
And find our rest in You
We are seen and we are known
You see our servant hearts
You tells us your proud of us
Not for what we do
But because we are your child

You rest our weary souls
We can drop our burdans at your feet
All our worries
All our stress
We were never meant to carry

We were not called to do it all
We’re just called to be
And do our best with a servant heart
Because we know we’re your child
And you’ll do the rest.

We weren’t made to do it on our own
We have your help to guide us
When we feel overwhelmed
We remember to depend
You will give us the strength
The courage
The peace
We can drop the burdans at his feet
Abiding in his love

Your yoke is easy
Your burdan is light
No we weren’t made to do it all
You take the weight off our shoulders
And in YOUR strength we can do it.

You tell us
Come… my daughter
Rest in me
And before you DO…
Just BE

Beautiful broken people

Community.
Beautiful, broken people.
Messy and wonderful
Vulnerable and open
Walking together
Through all the highs and lows
Victories and valleys
Journeying together
Through it all
As we learn to be more like Christ… together
Beautiful broken people
Doing life together
Supporting one another
Spurring one another on
Through all that life throws at us
Beautiful, messy people
Not afraid to show their scars
People who see your best and your worst
And love you anyway
What a wonderful, beautiful, messy, vulnerable, amazing way to live.

Authenticity, brokenness
People from all walks of life
Different nations, different stories
All coming together

We are a house of beautiful chaos
Beautiful, broken people
Learning to love and live together
Through our quirks and our weaknesses

We all have challenges
We all have battles we’re fighting
Things that hinder us… or so says the world
We all have struggles and weaknesses
But we all have amazing strengths as well…
Each with all our own unique gifts to offer the world.

Society will tell you to hide
It will tell you to be ashamed
It will tell you to walk your journey alone
It will tell you that you’re a burdan on people
To not let anyone see your flaws.
But that shame is lonely
It stops us from true, pure connections with people

When you live in community….
You can’t hide for very long
Sooner or later the true you has to come out
All the beauty and all the brokenness
Broken people, learning to live together
And suddenly you realise you’re not alone

There is courage in community
There is courage in living an open life and letting the world see who you are
When you live in community you learn that we all have weaknesses and we’re all messed up and broken
But that’s why we need each other
We have each others backs at all times
We support and encourage each other… often challenge each other too
Community means encouraging each out in our strengths
And supporting each other in our weaknesses
It means offering our support and being servent hearted
Always looking out for the needs of each other
Learning how best to love and care for people and doing that with our whole heart.

Living community also means not just helping but also recieving help too
Because sometimes that’s the hardest part
And letting others support you when you need it too
To know that there is no weakness in asking for help
And that you can’t just take care of everyone 24/7
To understand that you have limits too… and that’s okay. And reminding each other of that too.

Living in community often means reminding each other things
Holding each other accountable
Because we know each other way to well by now.

Living in community is probably the most liberating thing
Having people who know all your quirks and weaknesses.Who probably see the strangest and weirdest part of you

People who see your best and worst… and love you anyway

Community is awkward sometimes. It means confrontation
and being vulnerable.
It means dropping our pride Learning to see things from another perspective
It’s awkward and uncomfortable
Being honest about who we are is risky
In a world filled with masked people
Trying to act like they’re okay
But if that risk means authenticity
And true connection…
Then it’s a risk I’m willing to take

We’re a house filled with weird, quirky people…
And we’re proud of that
We know who we are

We see each other on our good days
And our bad days
We’re with each other at our tired state when we’ve just got out of bad
And we see each other when it’s the middle of the night and we’re laughing hysterically at nothing

We eat together, laugh together, celebrate each other together…
But we also cry together and pray for each other.
We walk through the hard stuff together.
The day to day life stuff.
Stuff you can’t hide when you live in community

We walk through the gritty, challenging, painful, awful stuff in life together.
Our hearts break for each other
And we support each other always. We support each other in the lows…. And we celebrate the victories.

It’s a vulnerable, beautiful, chaotic, crazy way to live
But I love it
We don’t have to hide from each other
We don’t have try and cover up who we are
We’re us
This is community.
Broken and beautiful.

Messy hospitality.
Where everyone is welcome
No matter who they are

There is beauty in accepting who you are, all of it.
Community empowers people to be who they are

Flaws and all. Weaknesses and all. Quirks and all.

We are creative and crazy and eccentric and we love it.
It’s never a dull moment in our house.
There’s costume parties and pillow fights and oh so much food!

Lingering around the table for hours.
Both stomach and hearts are oh so full.
Sharing stories and having weird conversations.
This is us
This is community

Broken and beautiful people

Walking through life, the good, the bad, the crazy…. together!! This is why I believe we were created for community. 

 

The (awful but beautiful) cost of compassion

Compassion
Service
Hearts breaking for people, hands dirty from hard work. There’s just something they don’t tell us about compassion.
Pain, brokenness.
People suffering
The world groaning from its darkness.
Sickness, pain… soo much pain…
Loneliness, depression, so much emptiness
Sadness, anger, anxiety, despare
All these feelings… it’s sometimes too hard to bare
People hungry for truth, truth that is right in front of their face: Him

Yeah there’s just something they don’t tell us about compassion
They say let what breaks God’s heart break ours…
But how do we not let that break US?
We’ve talked about compassion since Sunday school… But do we really know what it means?

There’s a cost to compassion
To truly loving people.
Mother Teresa talks about loving people until it hurts… And it’s true.
The more you love someone
The more your heart will break

I find it hard to seperate myself from people I care about
When other people feel something… I feel it too
My heart is like a sponge… soaking up everyone’s stuff

There’s a cost to compassion, there’s a cost to love
Some say it’s not worth the risk
It’s not worth the heart break
Walking alongside people, suffering with them
Praying for them
Journeying with them
Crying with them
Sharing the load
Some say they should just keep their suffering to themself
But I say no way
We’re in this together

We are called to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep
But when do we draw the line?
We’re called to carry one another’s burdans…
But how much burden do we need to carry?
How much is too much?

There’s so much need

I can’t do it on my own!

But that’s not even my responsibility

We are call to be servants
To serve rather than be served
To give rather than recieve
There’s so much to do

But how do we know when to stop?
We are called to see needs and to fill needs…
But we can’t fill every need!
We can’t help everyone!

We are called to be willing
To say “Yes I’ll do it”
To lend a helping hand
But a willing heart needs a limit too.
Because I’m human. And you’re human. And we need Jesus too.

When I’m battling the cost of compassion… the cost of service…. When my soft heart is breaking…..

I remember that Jesus’ heart broke for people too.
He says “this is how much my heart breaks for you sometimes. For everyone”
He wept. He went alongside people. His compassion lead him to heal people, to journey with them… And ultimately… it lead him to suffer for them. The worst pain the world had ever known.
He willingly served people, putting others needs before his (but he also looked after his own needs- by drawing his strength from the Father), he served even when no one recognised him or praised him… because he didn’t do it for that. His heart broke for people until it hurts and he served people until it hurts.

I can’t take the weight of it all on my sholders… But he doesn’t even ask me to.

I’m not called to do it all.

I say guard my heart Lord… protect me from taking on all the feelings/suffering of others.
He comes to me and he says…
Daughter… your broken heart is a gift. Your servent heart is a gift. Come, give it all to me. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I will give you peace.

He reminds us that we can’t do it all. And that’s okay. He reminds us to sit in his presence… To be filled up with Him. And that I can’t do it all but that’s okay. I’m not called to solve everyone I love’s problems… I’m not called to carry it all.
And when my emotional sponge is filled up to the brim with gunk and brokenness… I can wring it all out in God’s presence. He tells me to let it go… to let people go sometimes because he will take care of them. And he will fill me with even more capacity.So I can keep loving people with my soft, servant, broken heart.

He says “trust me with the people you love… I love them even more than you do”

The life that Jesus lived is so radical. It doesn’t even make any sense. Loving people even when they don’t love you back, giving even when you don’t expect anything back, serving not because you want approval but just because you love people…. it challenges me to my core. Surely I can’t love that way on my own. I need supernatural power to love in that way… that’s why I need Him! Love… always requires sacrifice.

So there is a cost to compassion
These’s a cost to serving…
Compassion is painful…
But it’s a Joy.
Because in that place of a broken heart for people… the kind of broken heart that leads us to act… that we discover what it truly means to have compassion just like Christ has compassion.
There’s a cost to compassion.

But it’s a beautiful cost.

Roses

These roses… they live wholehearted lives. They have thorns and they have beauty. No one walks past a beautiful bed of roses and says “oh yuck look at those thorns, they look horrible”. They are too awe struck by the beauty to notice the thorns- the wonderfully colourful petals and fragrant smells.
Sometimes we can focus so much on our thorns (weaknesses). We obsess over them, we try to cover them up and we feel so much suffocating shame about them. We focus on the thorns so much, thinking that they’re all everyone can see (because that’s all we can see). But when we actually look around, when we get close enough to people and actually open up our lives to others… we realise we’re not alone. They have thorns too. We all have thorns. When we try to cover up our thorns, we miss the beauty. We’re just a bunch of scared people living these fake lives and trying to convince the world that we have it all together when really all that means is it stops us from real connection and joy.

The most beautiful thing in the world is being able to say “you know what… I have thorns and I have beauty. And I am enough”. Being open and vulnerable with each other. Opening up your life to people who see all your thorns and love you, and not having to hide from people anymore. That’s what real community is actually about. It’s so much more than just fun and food and parties (although that’s great). It can be uncomfortable and vulnerable. It’s a bunch of broken people who know they don’t have it all together and they can support each other in their weaknesses (shout out to my core 4 team :D) Living authentic, open lives… the thorns… the beauty… all of it. I only really understood this until last year and I know I’ve spent far too long trying to cover up my thorns and focus on them so much. I want to live like a rose.

Be vulnerable with people
Be open with people
Because they’re not even looking at your thorns half as much as you are
We are enough.
We all have thorns
We all have beauty
It takes courage to be out WHOLE selves, no holding back.
But that’s when you get the whole rose.

Be The whole you

Thorns

Beauty

All of it

The end.

Content in the ordinary

As usual, here comes my annual blog post. Again it’s been more than a year since I last posted and as usual a lot has happened. Welcome back!

Something I have discovered is that when God really wants to speak to me about something profound, he often likes to do it again and again over a long period of time until I finally get it. It ends up being a whole series of events in my life that all suddenly link together and all of a sudden every person I talk to, every lifegroup discussion I’m in and every sermon I listen is all talking about the same thing. It’s almost like God’s saying “I’m going to keep bringing this up until it’s fully sunk in!” I swear I look back at my journals over the years and they’re just countless pages of me being so amazed about the same things over and over again.That’s the crazy thing about wisdom, no matter how much you learn, you can never quite scratch the surface of any given topic or life lesson. You just can’t get over a characteristic of God or a biblical truth…. there is always more opportunities for revelation in new and fresh ways no matter how many times you read that passage or learn that lesson again. For me, I never ever want to get over what God has taught me, I want to let it amaze me again and again.

This particular thing I have been learning for the past forever is this: CONTENTMENT.

Who’s heard the phrase “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone”?

Well, it turns out, that phrase could have described my life.

I am an extremely future orientated person- always focused on where I’m not, never on where I am now. Always dreaming and planning and mapping out my life but forgetting the blessings that are right in front of me. But it’s only when I come out of that season do I realise the blessings I had failed to notice… and then for the next season I spend the time wishing I was in the old season again. You can see where this is going. It’s a never-ending cycle.

I’m such a visionary… so many dreams and ideals…..and when the reality of my life doesn’t match up with my gigantic expectations….The seed of discontentment gets planted in my heart. “But I thought I was meant to do ‘such and such”, “but God is this really where I’m meant to be?” “What if there’s something better/bigger/more exciting”, “but God this isn’t what I want to do”. And then the nostalgia factor “if only things were like how they used to be”… nostalgia sugar coating my view of the past until it’s not even an accurate memory anymore.

From the moment I received the “calling” to Tauranga I battled with it. I battled it as soon as I had the thought to start studying at BTI, I battled with it all throughout the application process and deciding to study at BTI, I battled with it all throughout my time studying. I loved my new life in Tauranga and nothing could shake the fact that where I was, was definitely where I was meant to be. The way everything had lined up so perfectly… from me finding a place to live, to an incredible church family pretty much as soon as I arrived. There was confirmation after confirmation…. There was absolutely no way I could doubt that it was where I was meant to be because it was just so clear.

But still, I battled with it. It was 2016… I had just come out of a crazy year studying at Bible College, one of the most life-changing and growth-filled years of my life so far. That 13-year-old idea I had about studying Early Childhood was shoved under the bed… I wanted to go into ministry. The ministry life excited me- seeing lives changed, contributing towards the kingdom, having God conversations with people, working in a ministry team, living in community, mentoring people and seeing them grow, organizing exciting ministry events…. Anything else just seemed so…. boring… so mundane. So “9 to 5” compared to the crazy year of ministry I had just experienced.

But God had called me to Tauranga to study Early Childhood. That dream that 13 year old Emma had… God hadn’t forgotten it. He was intending to fulfil it… to see that dream come to pass. But I still battled with it. Ministry just made me more excited than getting up, going to work and teaching kids every day. I grieved over my old life. The life where I would spend holiday after holiday, weekend after weekend serving at all kinds of different camps from kids camps to disability camps, teens camps to leadership training weekends, junior kids camps, Easter camps… the list went on. The season where I would take refuge in those camps. They were my community… where I encountered God, where I felt like I belonged. I was afraid I would lose all of that in this new season. I had pictured myself being involved in camping for the rest of my life. I just couldn’t let go of my life in camping. I felt torn, like my heart was in two places at once. My heart was here in Tauranga but my heart was also still in camping. I overcommitted like a madwoman… “sure” I told myself “I can still volunteer at heaps of camps while I’m studying!” Wrong. 1 and a half years down the track, a few too many failed papers, breakdowns and nearly giving up too many times to count… with a broken, regretful heart I ended up withdrawing from study in the middle of 2017.

But what God ended up teaching me through that time was revolutionary. Even through a hard thing like failure, he used this situation to teach me so much about His goodness and about being faithful where I am even when it’s hard.

He taught me that when He calls us to something, more often than not it involves suffering. Living in our calling isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. It requires grit and perseverance and often times we wonder why we’re doing this at all. Living for Him is far more than just the exciting moments… it means sticking it out when it gets tough. Going the hard yards because it’s all for Him.

One day I was worshipping at church- battling with this sense of discontentment- when I heard these words in my spirit… “the cure to your discontentment is gratitude and joy”. Another day I came across this quote. My all-time favorite writer/speaker/researcher, Brene Brown, that I have been soaking up every word I can get over this past year, talks about this. “I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness- it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude”. This was right after I had just walked home from work, suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of awe and I walked passed row by row of trees filled with cherry blossoms. I realized how much beauty there is in the ordinary, beauty that I so often miss because I’m so busy chasing after the extraordinary.

This is probably one of the most profound things I’ve learned…. He taught me that the most extraordinary things… happen in the mundane, everyday moments when we are seeking Him. My calling is in the ordinary. And what’s more… there’s no such thing as ordinary in the kingdom. When we’re seeking Him in all we do… the life we’re living is far from an ordinary life. It’s surprising and there’s crazy divine interventions that happen when we least expect it. Or he stretches us to our limit so we learn to depend on Him. He shows up at the 11^th hour on the dot every time and EVERY SINGLE TIME He always comes through! Yeah sometimes life feels mundane but it’s far, far from ordinary.

He taught me that when we are faithful in the small things, in the day to day, mundane tasks that we have no idea how they will get us anywhere in life… end up leading us to our destiny. When we are diligent even though we have no idea how our dreams will be fulfilled. He taught me that He cares way more about developing my character than what I “do” career-wise.

The incredible thing was… as soon as I let go of something good (camping) I was able to grab a hold of God’s best for me (working at a centre/living at a community house). It was like as soon as I was content in where I was and had let go of that desire to work in camping/ministry, he gave it back to me in the most amazing way. And now in the place I’m living, I’m doing exactly the same things I missed so much about camping- living in community, eating with people, bringing people together, hosting people, cooking, looking after people, building deep relationships and having good conversations. God rewards us when we are faithful with where we are and what he has given us and when we are willing to surrender our own will in order to hold onto his.

He taught me to be content in the ordinary because in the ordinary… lies the miraculous. When we spend our lives chasing after the extraordinary, in Brene’s words… we miss out on the joy! He taught me to practice gratitude in whatever season I am in. To notice the little blessings of every day- a coffee in the morning, a day at the beach with a good friend, a good conversation, a hug from someone you love, a meal around the dinner table, having tea around the table with your flatties before bed, when your flatmate makes you breakfast, the amazing, in-depth conversation you hadn’t even intended on having in the middle of the night, spontanious trips to see glow worms, walking up the mount with a backpacker from the other side of the world, a hug from a three year old, a laugh with your workmates, the beautiful sunrise you saw on your way to work. Little blessings we so often miss. And he taught me to ask “God, what are the blessings in this season”, before I start complaining.

Most of all he taught me and is teaching me (because let’s be honest I’m still going to be learning these lessons again and again when I’m 90)… that as exciting as my dreams and desires are…. the most important thing above any of that… is Him! Loving Him and loving others wherever I am… that’s my number one calling. When I am satisfied in Him and Him only… I don’t need flash ministry jobs to fulfill me… because the best thing to gain is Him! I think that sometimes we can place so much value on ministry jobs that we somehow make them more important than secular jobs… We Paul said that he had learned the secret of being in plenty and being in need, of being content in every circumstance…. Why? Because His contentment didn’t lie in His circumstances… his contentment lied in who Jesus is. If that’s not a thing to place your contentment in… then I don’t know what is.

I don’t know what my life’s going to look like in 10 years. Heck, I don’t even know what my life is going to look like next week! But you know what? I’m okay with that! I don’t know if I’ll end up finishing my degree, going into full-time ministry, going back to camping, going into mission, moving to the other side of the world or staying here in Tauranga, teaching early childhood full time, being a youth worker, or doing something completely different than any of these…. but right now I’m learning to be content with where I am. I will be present in this season because I know that when I’m faithful where I am, it will end up leading me to what God has in store. Becuase as exciting as giant callings in the future are… I think the unexpected beauty of every day is a big enough adventure in itself!! I don’t know about you but I don’t want to miss those moments in my quest for the extraordinary… Because one day… one day I’ll miss where I am now. Will I be faithful enough to put my WHOLE heart into my season?

 

Here’s something I wrote last year which I think sums it up…

My call is in the ordinary 
My mission is in the everyday
My purpose is every moment 
And my vision is today 
The most extraordary opportunities we get are not far in the distance, they’re not huge and giant like we think they should be… Like running an event or preaching at a church or getting the one opportunity we’ve always wanted…. More often than not the most extraordinary callings and opportunities do not lie in the extraordinary….. But in the ordinary. In the everyday, ordinary moments. If we keep listening, and acting and responding…. That is when the extraordinary things happen. Not once at some exciting ministry event that goes in a flash… But every day. Every moment. Our whole lives

Abide not strive

It’s been about a year since I have last wrote in here… So much has happened that I think this blog needs a bit of a resurrection.

After a crazy year of study, growth and vulnerability…. I came up with the motto “Abide not Strive” at the beginning of last year. I was helping at a camp in Rotorua and we talked about this chapter a lot. It’s sort of become one of my life verses I guess you could say.

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Something the speaker said one evening really stuck with me. He said that when you are abiding in the vine…. Your primary role is to connect to the vine. When the branch is completely devoted to abiding… It’s not concerned about the fruit it’s producing…. It’s sole focus is the vine. Therefore when you are abiding you don’t have to strive to produce fruit.

The role of the branch isn’t something we find very easy as humans. We like results. We like knowing that what we are doing “ticks all the boxes”. We strive and strive and strive until it just becomes a never ending ladder that never reaches the top. But who ever heard of a branch that produces fruit by itself?

A lot of my journey these last two years has been discovering that receiving God’s gift of love and walking the Christian life with him is far more than striving. You see throughout my life I have always had a tendency to place unrealistically high expectations on myself. These expectations come from a variety of different ways…. Ones others have put on me, society… And myself.

As humans we want to feel like we are doing a good job. We want God to be pleased with us. The intentions are good… We mean well…. but the heart is trapped. Because the thing with striving… Is it almost never feels enough. I discovered during my year at Bible College in 2015, that I have spent a long time of my life with a striving heart. I got to a point where nothing I did felt enough. I tried and tried and strived but I just felt more and more weak. What was the point? I felt like a tree with no fruit trying desperately to make some but not really knowing how.

I shared a few posts ago about a revelation that God gave me while living at camp. I was walking through the bush and God said “just sink your roots down into me… and I’ll do the growing”. I looked at all the tall trees above me and the waterfall flowing down and filling the plants with rich nutrients… these plants would never reach their full potential if they didn’t have water, sunlight and all the things plants need to grow.

Sometimes we get so obsessed with trying to grow ourselves and better ourselves that we forget that the whole point of growth is not to become a better us… it’s to glorify God through us. We look at ourselves and think “we’re not good enough”, “I can’t do that God I’m too (fill in the blanks”, “I’m not good at such and such”. But God’s saying “I just want you! As you are”. One of the themes at my church at the moment is come as you are and it’s so true.

There is huge freedom when we realize that right now, as broken as we are, we are loved. Yes we still have a part to play, we can still make goals in order to become more Christlike… but at the same time we can understand that we will make mistakes, it will take time, sometimes we might forget to spend time with God or get distracted and fail two papers at uni (that was me :P)

When you are abiding in the vine….. You don’t have to strive to produce fruit! When you are connected to the vine, fruit will automatically come as out outflow of this connection.

One of my favorite songs (I have a lot of favorite songs!) at the moment is Sweet Comforter, by Curtate Music. The lyrics just hit so close to home this works vs faith, abiding vs striving battle we have.

Don’t ever feel like it’s gotta be earned

My love won’t give you what your actions deserve

So when it seems like you’re missing the mark

Be still child, I’m holding your heart. – Sweet Comforter, Curate Music

We are so anxious to get it right in the Christian walk. What if I’m not good enough? What if I’ve mucked up? I have so much to work on! And we’re not the only ones.

All throughout scripture is filled with stories of people thinking they have to earn their way to acceptance and earn their way to salvation. Just read the book of Galatians and it’s basically Paul having a very important rant about how salvation isn’t earned by works.

Sometimes we look at people in the bible like the Pharisees and laugh  at the fact that they just didn’t get it. But in actual fact they were pretty ordinary people… they were just faced with a pretty extraordinary Jesus. If I was a Pharisee and I had been leaning the ways of the law my entire life and some guy turns up claiming to be the son of God and stating that all I need to do is believe and follow him and that it’s actually not all about following rules… yeah I don’t think I’d take that well.

What Jesus said and taught was absolutely revolutionary. It was so ridiculous and amazing and challenging and… astonishing all at the same time. I don’t blame people for not getting it. It was unlike anything anyone had every heard.

We spend our lives striving and trying to produce fruit. Trying to reach the standard that is impossible for us to reach (which is why Jesus came!)

And meanwhile our Father’s there with arms open wide saying in a soft calm voice “Be still child, I’m holding your heart”.

Jesus tells us that his “yoke is easy and his burden is light”. It’s okay. We’re going to get it wrong. We’re going to muck up. The whole point of Christianity isn’t getting it right, it’s depending on him when we get it wrong because HE gets it right!

We don’t have to strive… we just have abide. To do our best…. our absolute best…. and trust that He’ll do the rest.

I think I’ll end this with some lyrics from one of my other favorite songs, Simple Gospel, by United Pursuit because it kind of sums it up and cause United Pursuit is the best!

So that’s my blog. Stay tuned for more of my ramblings and reflections on life. 😛 Abide not Strive!!

I’m laying down all my religion
I’m laying down
I want to you know you, Lord
I’m laying down all my religion
I’m laying down
I want to know you, Lord
I want to know you, Lord

Lord, I’ve been told to be ashamed
Lord, I’ve been told I don’t measure up
Lord, I’ve been told I’m not good enough
But you’re here with me

I reach out and you find me in the dust
You say no amount of untruths can separate us

– Simple Gospel, United Pursuit

A journal entry from December last year

A journal entry from December 2k15 (aka the crazy year)

12/12/15 (The day after my graduation from Bible College)

When I first came into this year I had no idea what I was in for. I came into the year a plain pot, with not many visible cracks and scratches- almost like there was so many outer layers of clay it was covering them up. Like a mask. A shield. An act that says “I have it all together”. Then you used me. I was shaped and moulded and at the time it hurt. It burned. I didn’t like feeling vulnerable, I didn’t like not getting it right. But slowly, as you moulded me the layers of clay started to come off. And it burned to see what was remaining. Inside, underneath the masks, I was weak.
I had once been a beautiful pot but now I was a broken one. Good for nothing- or so I thought. How could you possibly use a pot like me? I felt like I failed at everything I did. Everything wasn’t enough.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not us. 2 Corinthians 4:7

I felt dirty, weak, broken, flawed- but you made me loved, worthy, valued, flawless.
I had once felt invincible, now I felt week.
I needed you.

I became aware of my cracks, probably gained a few more but in that moment you filled me up with love. An overwhelming joy. That shined brightly thought the cracks. The light burst through in a flash of brilliant colour and majesty, brighter than all the other pots with less cracks. The beauty of the pot that shone through those cracks was indescribable. Not a worldly kind of beauty… Not a beauty based on acceptance or perfection… But a genuine beauty- that shines through the imperfections and knows it’s potter. That knows it’s beauty is not defined by how many cracks it has but by the hands of it’s potter and the inner beauty.

My story isn’t over yet.

Hello world!
Wow.. It’s been about a year since I last wrote in here! Crazy! It’s kind of funny reading back at my old posts and seeing how much I have changed!

This year has been… Well… Kind of crazy to say the least. And amazing too. I’m not going to write about it too much in this post because I’m going to make this one reasonably short (hopefully). (What? Emma can write short?) Shocking, I know, but I can.

One of the main things I have learnt this year is this: We are Always growing. Always. A.L.W.A.Y.S. !!!

I don’t know sometimes we get this idea as humans that we have to have it all together straight away. Like BAM perfect, just like that. This year I have discovered things about myself that… Well… aren’t the best things to discover. I’ve learnt a lot about my weaknesses. What I’m not good at. What I need to work on. And to be honest it gets kind of overwhelming sometimes. I have been on a bit of a roller coaster journey these last few years/months of really discovering who I am and being able to be comfortable in that. Discovering a value and a love that isn’t dependent on how well I’m doing or on what I think other people think, but on who I am in Christ and His Grace that fulfills me. I don’t have to strive to meet such high expectations when His freedom has already set me free from all of that!

A few months ago I was feeling overwhelmed and… I pretty much reached my breaking point (which wasn’t the first time that has happened this year!). I just had so much to work on (in my mind) that it felt all too much! I was consumed with the person I want to become and who I am now and it felt like a million miles to get there. I felt like whatever I did it just wasn’t enough, I just wasn’t enough.
And I walked through the bush at camp on one of my days off that week, battling all of these thoughts in my mind. The truth that God loved me and I was valued, the lies that who I am isn’t enough. That I need to be better at this or better at that or make less mistakes or have this skill or this gift or whatever to be “more equipped” to do all the things I want to do or be “more worthy” of acceptance [probably mainly by people in my mind].

And as I walking through and saw all those tall tall trees towering above me I thought… All of these trees once started out as a tiny weeny little seeds. Nothing more. They didn’t grow overnight. And more than that… That seed… It could have Soo much potential to be the most beautiful tree. But if it doesn’t have water, sunlight and oxygen… It won’t become a tree no matter how hard it tried. I felt this voice in my heart
, “just sink your roots down into me…. Let me do the growing!”

Trees don’t grow by themselves.

I was trying to grow myself, when all I need to do it get my eyes off me and dig into His love that sustains me.

The thing is… He wants me now. Just as I am. With all my weaknesses and all my brokenness… And he’s using those very things. Sure… I have things to work on…. Who doesn’t?? Do you have things you need to work on, that you wish you were better at? Well congratulations you’re alive!! His Grace is sufficient. No… I’m not ready for all the things he has planned for me yet, but that’s why he only takes us one step at a time. I just have a hard time seeing the steps in between. He doesn’t start okay jump from square A to square Z in one giant leap…. He leads us one foot in front of the other, each step preparing us for the next.

I don’t need to be any more than what I am now- have different skills or gifts or be better at this, it’s not about me and what I think I’m good at or not good at. Who am I to judge that? It’s all about Him and what He can do through me and those gifts he has given me… Are there for a reason… And are by His Grace. He wants me as I am and His Grace makes me enough, not me trying to be better. Yeah sure that doesn’t mean I don’t have things to work on, but it means that it stops being about me and starts being about Him! Yes I do have a part to play, but it’s really Him who will do the growing. It’s not even about how far I have to go, it’s about who I am now and making the most of this moment.

Have confidence in this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it on till completion until the day on Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6

Something I have learnt is that my story isn’t over yet… And when hard days come when I feel like I’ve mucked up or I’m not good enough or there’s so far yet to go- I can place my confidence in that fact that He hasn’t finished with me yet! Each day I am a better/more a christ-like person than I was the day before- it’s a process. Yep it’s long and it’s sometimes painful but my story hasn’t even reached the climax yet!!